Why hot girls cry on their birthday

I turned 29

Last year, on my 28th birthday, I was miserable. The skin around my eyes had been raw for weeks. I ate at odd hours. I kept spoons in the freezer to de-puff my face. Inconsolable, I had sunken within myself. My friends wouldn’t let me cancel my party. They pulled out all the stops to make me feel loved and special. And I felt all of that, but the misery…I’m sorry but I just couldn’t see past it.

My friends and I all remind each other that hot girls always cry on their birthdays…it doesn’t make the tears sting any less though. And of course later, when I posted photos to Instagram from the party I got so many messages from people telling me I was glowing or that I’d never looked happier. I like those photos, they make me feel good because I know it was the people there who were responsible for the glow.

last year!

If I were to write a letter to myself from a year ago it would go like this:

Dear Aisha,

All of it will pass. First it’s going to get worse. But everyone is going to be there. You’re never going to feel alone. Although, you’re also going to try so so hard to be alone. You’re going to change everything around you (you’ll move apartments!) and slowly feel like things inside are changing too. And then one day you’re going to realize that things are improving at a rate you weren’t expecting, that you weren’t ready for. You’re going to feel sad almost! Sad that you have something to leave behind. The year will roll on and you’ll feel peaceful, fulfilled, angry, apprehensive. Your friends will remind you that you can trust yourself. You’re going to stand up for yourself more and more. You’re going to try and pour everything your friends gave you back into them. You will learn that romance is a million things and that it always finds you. You will learn that grief is a million things and it always finds you. Your body will go through hell and back, you’ll learn to be kind to it. You’re going to have a new outlook on your family. You’ll write a lot and share a lot—things you’ll share and a lot that you won’t. You’re going to be happy. You’re going to find that tiny bit of peace you’ve been looking for. Your mom is right about the Chinese herbal tea. Drink it sooner.

I often say that this year was the best and worst year of my life. It was relentless and searing as much as it was transformative, life saving, and life affirming. And at my 29th birthday dinner a few days ago, when Shea asked me what I learned this past year I said, “to keep it fucking moving.”

If I had to select one theme from my twenties in general I’d say that it’s restarting. I have restarted on my accord many times, and more often than not I’ve been forced to restart in some way even if I went kicking and screaming the whole way. There have been new cities, apartments, jobs, and career paths. Romantic breakups and friend breakups. Dreams I had to let go of and others only I could push myself to pursue.

Now, I’m 29 and things are still falling apart all the time. I still cry too much and I still have so many questions. (And still cry on my birthday). But I’ve never been more sure that I have everything I need. And my birthday gift to myself is the certainty that I have what it takes to start over if I need to. It’s a gift I’ve been working on for the better part of this decade.

I’ve always maintained that “hot girls cry on their birthday” but I think I’m actually starting to believe it because there’s nothing hotter than feeling your feelings and knowing you can keep it moving.

At the last minute, I took all my stuff over to Sophie’s apartment on the same block at the restaurant where I had my party. We got ready and Nellie did my hair and makeup and then we walked down the stairs to the restaurant. It reminded me how fun it is to be a girl and how there’s something magical about getting ready with your friends.

Samah surprised me with this cake which…took my breath away.

My reaction during the cake reveal.

grateful and loved!